25 Signs You Are Every Bit the Emotional Hot Mess Pregnant Lady of Literally Every Ensemble Comedy Trope Ever

  1. You have thrown up in a public place
  2. You've been convinced the too-smiley woman you keep catching looking at your belly is planning to cut you open and steal your baby
  3. You have gotten winded trying to navigate how exactly to wipe your own butt with all this extra....you in the way 
  4. You examine every piece of toilet paper weirdly, embarrassingly closely. (Does this look like a mucus plug to you?)
  5. You don't push too hard when you pee, you know, just in case you...push the baby out, or something 
  6. You are keenly aware of the side-eyes you get when you order a fully caffeinated drink at Starbucks and half dread, half look forward to the day someone dares chastise you about it to your face 
  7. You have climbed in the back lift gate of your mom-mobile because the cars on either side of yours were parked too closely to wedge your pregnant belly through

  8. You have sat on a wet toilet seat because you lacked the stamina to hover
  9. Your hair and fingernails haven't magically started growing at a breakneck pace, but your toenails have. And you can't reach them.
  10. You have accidentally peed somewhere you shouldn't have
  11. …you have accidentally shat somewhere you shouldn't have (don't worry; we won't tell anyone)
  12. ...and sometimes you can't poop at all (hello, blood, laxatives, and frantic texts to your mom)

  13. The words "honey, does this look like a hemorrhoid to you?" have escaped your lips
  14. You have taken a pregnancy test months after the first one came back positive, after ultrasounds and a noticeable belly and morning sickness and tiny baby flutters...just to be sure.

  15. You have cried about the offensive smell of an everyday item, like fresh kitty litter or a grapefruit.

  16. You have awkwardly held your boobs during an ultrasound/doppler/measurement because you have no idea what else to do with your hands.
  17. You have had an inappropriately aggressive reaction to someone missing an opportunity to be accommodating of your condition, like letting you go ahead of them in the bathroom line
  18. ...but there have also been times you have also kept quiet and then fled to your car to cry alone (it's all about balance, right?)
  19. You have tracked your belly button's slow descent into oblivion like you're charting the phases of the moon
  20. You have gotten weirdly offended when asked by your doctor what your plan for postpartum birth control is while still very, very pregnant

  21. Your knowledge of fruit and vegetable sizes and weights has expanded significantly (who TF knows the average size of a rutabaga off the top of their heads?)
  22. You've clearly seen the three tiny "hamburger" lines at least once, but still have a plan JUST IN CASE baby's genitals magically rearrange themselves before delivery
  23. You've been the creep at the party asking to sniff strangers' booze just to get a little "nose taste" of that sweet sweet fermenty goodness
  24. You been woken up by a Charlie horse so savage that you've wondered if it's a form of demonic possession (it is pitch black and 3am, after all)
  25. You have used the fact that you are technically two people to swing household votes in your favor (“Who thinks Daddy should wash the dishes tonight?” “2-1; Daddy loses!”)

    Anyone else up there living up to the crazy pregnant lady stereotype? Drop your hilarious pregnancy moments in the comments!

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