The Creepiest $#!+ Your Kid Has Ever Said

It’s officially October, which means I can write about Halloween without anyone thinking I’m a weirdo [I am] whose house is filled with disturbing taxidermy [it’s not] and a room for casting spells [we turned that room into a second nursery, so…also a no on this one?].

But for real, I love Halloween. I love the creepy otherworldliness and the frenetic feeling in the air that anything is possible and maybe magic is real and that if you glance down that dark hallway real quick maybe, just maybe you’ll catch a glimpse of something unexplainable. I’ve always had that weird obsession with creepy shit, and would sneak out of bed to watch The X-Files from the second story landing at 9pm, where I would watch, enthralled, until one of my parents looked up and sent me shamefaced back to bed, which definitely bit me in the ass because I couldn’t sleep in my own room until I was like, 13 for fear of aliens, ghosts, and Mothman.

Likewise, even at 2.5, Theory loves Coraline, Hotel Transylvania, talking about ghosts, and being an all-around creep. Part of me loves this, because she may not look at all like I was involved in her conception [seriously, she is a Dolly the Sheep-level clone of my husband] but she is so me, and part of me is petrified because kids are like a homing beacon for ghosts and other scary shit. Pair with this proclivity for the paranormal the fact that tiny developing brains impel children to say offbeat stuff almost constantly, and you have the recipe for some seriously unsettling conversations. Here are Theory’s top four gems:

(First thing in the morning)
Me: Did you have any dreams last night?
Theory: Uh-huh.
Me: Really? What about?
Theory: …
Me: …?
Theory: *glances over my shoulder, then back at me, concerned*
Theory: I’m not supposed to tell you.

(At night, snuggled in bed with her dad and I, perfect weather outside)
Dad: *turns off light*
Theory:…
Me: …
Dad:…
Theory:…the thunder is coming.
Thunder: BOOM!

(At a 100+-year old Victorian house that has been uninhabited for years and falling into disrepair that we are considering buying and restoring. Sam and the realtor have gone down into the basement with flashlights to look at the foundation. Theory and I are waiting by the stairs)
Theory: *points up the staircase*
Me:…?
Theory: I wanna go upstairs and play with those kids!
Staircase: *definitely empty*

And my all-time, spine-tingling, super-creeptastic favorite:

         (Nighttime. Snuggled up with her dad and I. Lights have been turned out for ten minutes, and we both assume Theory is already asleep.)
         Theory, Dad, and me: …
         Theory: *whispers* Run.

 

Alright, Mamas, your turn! Tell me in the comments what unexplainable, scary stuff your kid has said lately!


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